want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me...
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this I’ll get away with it...

What do people actually mean when they say…..

Verbatim: “I am what I am”
Meaning: I have no f*****g clue what I am. Yeah I was punished in the school for bad grades and again in the college it was the same story. I haven’t done anything great in my life but I dislike being criticized.

Verbatim: “ I live for the moment”
Meaning: I had a fairly comfortable life with money coming out of ATM everytime I put that card in. It was fed by my father and for future I have got my family business/ rich boyfriend so I really don’t need to worry about future, hence I live for moment. Also I am too stupid to see the future and plan for it.

Verbatim: “He/ She is good at heart”
Meaning: I really could not find out anything good about him/her. It will be very polite to say that he has heart of gold after all what he has inside will be only known to a surgeon in a heart transplant surgery.

Verbatim: “My looks are attractive”
Meaning: Believe me, this statement has nothing to do with one’s looks. It signifies a healthy self image or presence of somebody in the life of that particular person who praises that person a lot for his/her looks. Also it can be a sign of inferiority complex because of one’s looks only and thus his attempt to boost his/her social image. But it has nothing to do with one’s looks whatsoever.

Verbatim: “ I am really screwed up…I am lazy, moody, stupid…..I cant even do this and do that…..I am a plain moron”
Meaning: I am quite great. I am already a great person but still want to be better. I have intelligence and sense to find out my weak areas and work on them. There are good things about everyone, so are with me, but I am too humble to tell you all that.

Verbatim: "I believe in working hard and party harder"
Meaning: I really dont need to work for living and anyway the work that I am doing will be done by robots 5 years down the line.



Now girls are specie that you can’t rely on her answers in any reasonable way. I can’t provide a comprehensive guide but here it goes. (Disclaimer: I can be wrong anywhere)

For any intimate types questions if answer is Yes that actually means “may be”.

Question: Can I ask you out for the weekends?
Answer: Yeah I will be there!!
Meaning: You moron!! I know you are dreaming about me but you are really not on my radar. I may not even have time to think over this proposal of yours. When you will call in the weekend I will answer Yes or No depending on my mood than. Till than its actually “may be”.

For any intimate type questions if answer is No, It means “70% yes”

Question: Will you date me?
Answer: No never!!
Meaning: I like you. At the same time I like to be pampered. Its just that I am still not convinced. So my dear lover!! Please convince me for all this. Also one has to note the body language of female when saying this, if she seems genuinely angry there is a fair chance that you will be beaten while convincing her!!

For any type of intimate question if answer is Maybe. It means “No”

Question: Will you marry me?
Answer Maybe!!
Meaning: You are just a friend. I don’t want to say No and hurt you. I am just being polite to say mabbe!!

And when do girls mean yes?
Well I am still trying to figure that out. I think this specie is really not conditioned to say Yes directly anytime.

My Passport Woes


So what are the advantages of frequent foreign travel. One: You are looked as someone who had a personal meeting with the God back in India by lesser mortals who never got to move out of the country. You also learn to appreciate beauty of different races rather than collectively referring them as “gori” or “chinki”.
There is a sure-shot disadvantage as well. Your passport after battling numerous fights of rubbing against immigration and airline machines gets damaged. And one has to go to passport office for replacement of the same. Mine lamination at the cover page gave up!!

After this was brought to my notice by an extra dutiful staff of Indian immigration, I could visualize following:
A government contractor giving monologue to his employees:
Contractor: I have got this contract of making Indian passports after paying a hefty bribe to minister. I cant use any robust material for making passports now. And anyway no Indian will travel more than thrice in ten years so I solicit all the cost cutting measures from all of you.
Employee 1: Boss we can use a cheap lamination here at the cover page. It will save 10p per passport. That’s also a cruel way to punish these frequent travelers who think they have grown beyond being an Indian and all that have gone into their heads. It will be a good trip for them to come and visit passport office.
Contractor: That’s a great idea my slave!! We will implement that. You will get 0.0001% of profits earned because of this initiative at the end of year as yearly bonus!!
Employee 1: Thank you very much Boss!!

So my fateful trip to passport office in Delhi started. Passport office to my surprise had a website which could actually receive applications for damaged passports. For a while I thought India has progressed a lot and I may flaunt off my NRI status to get it done online and anyway they just have to laminate that damn thing. Happiness was short-lived as after completing details for like three times I was given a time when I was supposed to show my face to the agent of gods at passport office. Troubles had just begun.

It was nice cold morning of Delhi. A morning that’s characterized by leather jacket clad men riding scooters in the fog. I basked in the glory of having applied through internet and an officer waiting for me to be serviced. I reached well in time expecting some pats on the back by officer for my punctuality.

I was taken aback at the sight there. It was like as if whole of India wanted to move out of it. It was general population, as general as ones who take blows of “lathis” by “thullas” or for that matter anyone in a formal uniform in “melas”. There they were waiting for their turn to take blows. I did not loose courage. After all I was not supposed to stand in queues as I had appointment with the agent of god!! I moved inside. My good clothes were good enough to make me pass through the main door without scrutiny of my form by the doorkeeper. I said “thank you” to him and he stared at me as if I was a lone white guy in an Indian wedding function. After absorbing the thought he said “thank you sir” to me again. I am sure I was the only one to say thank you for the job that he was doing quite well for hundreds who wanted to meet god.

I went inside and looked around if someone was waiting with a board “Prabhash Choudhary” anywhere. There was a big queue which said online application. I was happy. I went to a educated looking gent and asked him…”this is the line for online applications..right?? But what about the people who have already applied online ? where is the officer whom I am to meet at 11.45?” He was surprised at my sense of self assuredness. He politely told me that this is the line for all the planned morons who have ever used that damn thing called internet. He also asked me to start from the end of the queue rather than making rapport with him and short circuiting the queue.

It was a ghastly site. There were boards categorically saying “No Enquiry”. Where will a confused man go if he has even one tenth of questions in his mind as that were in mine. I was also told by a kind soul that these guys just need a reason to reject your form so be extra sure. I checked my form for like 53 times before my turn.

When my turn came agent of god said that he will cancel my passport now and I will get a new one in 3 months time after police verification. There are people who are good bad ugly and bastards. PSU clerks fall in the final category. I tried to bombard my queries at him but he showed me the board of “No Enquiry” in a dignified way.

I asked “ Everywhere there is NO ENQUIRY….where the hell is YES ENQUIRY….I mean ENQUIRY” . He said its outside. Outside was a big cosmopolitan called Delhi waiting for me.

I did remember a diligent “panwaalaa” who was attending to enquiries of general population outside. That time I did not bother as I had the appointment with agent of god. But now I went to him to find out where exactly is this thing called Enquiry. He showed me the backyard. Advice was not free. I had to buy a cig from him. Buying one cig from a whole packet is so very Indian. I loved the thought.

There was another queue in there. I had never seen those many queues in my life. After waiting for like 1 hour analyzing why each person in the queue would want to go abroad, I got to see agent of god. He babbled “ Yeah this is damaged”…”but I want to travel on Monday”…”You cant travel anyway as this is damaged”…”No but I made my last 3 journeys on this damaged thing only”….at this he made face as if he will use his veto to throw me out of his kingdom. I am a dignified man and certainly would not have liked to be beaten in public site. I took his leave.

I got back home and went to a lamination shop. He put the passport half way inside to paste that plastic on the cover. I applauded. This is possible in India only. At this spectre, I wanted to plant a kiss on the cheeks of that guy who was actual agent of God for me but he said that only 5 Rs will do.

I came back happily. Immigration officer had a good look at passport and asked me pertinent questions like what I do but my hundreds of immigration stamps convinced him that I am not off for a Jihadi mission. Still with my damaged passport but I will but I will not go to passport office in India again. I will get it done in some Indian embassy here but will spare the Indian one.

Here is the another masterpiece that I love. When I read this first I laughed out loudly more because of dibelief. But now after spending couple of years here and actually doing things, I realize that each and every word produced here is sanctomonius, used by consultants worldwide who are perenoids suffering from SYA (Save Your As*) Syndrome!! Do ignore and laugh out of disbelief if you are a client. For others..Enjoy!! (Again this is original by a close freind!!)
The Truths of Consultancy


Analysis

The value of a direct labour hour on Analysis is 6.7 times that on the project.
Machines will always work like clockwork during a machine study
If you have to get up at 3 am to make a key meeting, it will be deferred or cancelled
The major planning and capacity study will finally conclude – that there is no problem with bottlenecks
There is always loads of lost time, but sometimes it is hidden, so well hidden that we can’t find it
The last study you finish on Thursday night will be printed out 5 minutes after the deadline fore the presentation has passed
The last person to go to bed the night before the presentation will get all the difficult questions the next day.
One guest in the hotel will complain about the consultants working at night in the corridors – the Analyst.


Projects

The result is always achieved in completely different areas to those planned
The project will be behind schedule from day 2 to the last day of the project
The results plan will be copied from the previous project
10 weeks into the project, the activities being carried out bear no resemblance to the original plan
The project report file will be nominated for the Booker Prize
If the project requires it, the Operations Manager will expect you to do it – especially if it physically impossible
The project schedule assumes that packs take no time to prepare
When the project team go out to drive performance, productivity and yield will fall
Consultant productivity is 20% before 1:00pm on Mondays, and 250% between 1:00 and 2:30pm on Fridays
A project in real trouble will spend all its time preparing packs and none improving the business
Why is the last place you look for the confidential document you lost where you left it – on the photocopier
When the client tells you it’s the principal, he means it’s the money
You will always be late for the training session on Time Management
The client who finds the calculation error and discredits you for it is the one with a vested interest


Packs

The pack with all your meeting notes is the one you pass to the MD
The preparation of one pack begins as soon as the previous one has been presented
Preparation will then continue till 5 minutes after it is too late for it to be ready for the meeting
All slides that were right first time will be changed at least twice subsequently
The smallest change on one slide (e.g. phase one to phase I) will effect at least 50% of the rest
The colour printer will run out of ink or paper three slides before the final pack is finished
The thickness of the pack is proportional to the trouble the project is in.
The photocopier will never sort in the order required
You will never remember to number the pages until after the packs have been copied
However many times you check, the pack you give the top client will have two page 6s and no page 7
One slide will always have the name of the previous client
The minutes of the meeting will always have the name of the MD spelt wrong
No two people in the meeting will have the same pack
Percentages always add up to 99 or 101, never 100


What we say and what we mean

This is only accelerating work you should be doing anyway: By making you work harder than you’ve ever dreamed.
Look at all the paperwork you’ve got : Now double it. That’s how much you’ll have when we leave
Responsibility for this project is shared: If it goes right, we’ll take the credit. If it goes wrong, we’ll blame your managers
We’ll leave you with a range of tools and techniques to enable you to take the process forward: ut too knackered to do it, so we’ll be back in 5 years
This is a key issue for the business :This is a key issue for the project
The manager of this area is ineffective : We don’t know how we’re going to get savings in this area
We need to create a carefully tailored training package, so we’ve decided to move the training back 2 weeks : The disc of standard training modules is corrupt, so I’ve got to wait for a new one from the office
We need to analyse the observations carefully do evaluate the potential : We can’t find any lost time
We like to look right across the business in every direction: At the direct labour
By week 6 we will have established the correct system for your business
SIC, DWOR, Daily Review, Master Schedule…..
The problems in this business are not technical or particularly complex : If they were, we probably couldn’t spot them and certainly couldn’t solve them
The project will take 30 weeks : Like all the rest
Our costs are inclusive of all costs except office expenses : Like 2 hour peak rate calls to India
We believe that paying weekly focuses the client on the project : We believe that paying weekly enables us to be paid


Opening Meetings – What they don’t say


Will there be any redundancies?
The goals of this project are to find the most effective way to reduce delays and increase customer satisfaction. How this will be done needs to be developed over the coming weeks.

We do not know at present how this is best achieved. Of course


How much do these consultants cost ?

The cost is significant. But the management believe that the cost is justified by the potential benefits to the business.

Well put it this way, for each consultant on the job, we’ll have to get rid of about 8 of you

Why do we need consultants ?

Because, although we understand our business, we want someone to look at it with completely fresh eyes. If you looked at their business, I’m sure you would find opportunities to improve it.

I’m incompetent and they’ve been imposed by head office

Does this mean we’ve got less money to buy new equipment?
No, it is a completely separate budget item. Of course

Why do we need to get better?
.Because everyone needs to get better, all the time. This is just one of the ways we’ll be doing it in the coming years.
Because we’re no good

What can these people do that we can’t
They have a particular way of looking at businesses that we think is of value. However, they are not experts in our business, so the programme will only work if we all work together. Earn vast sums of money without any responsibility

How long will it take?
35 weeks.

Until they’ve bled us dry

How much of my time will this take?
Its hard to define it in detail. Most of the time when they see people they’ll be doing it in their place of work.

Loads, but if you ignore them like I’m planning to it won’t seem too bad

Will they cover all the shifts?
Yes. Yes, but they’ll annoy days most

Why did we choose Rembrandt?
They have proven their skills in both our group and other TOCs. IT was the only way to get their salesman to shut up

Is this time and motion in disguise?
No, the emphasis is on how to make processes work better and how to remove problems, not just on how long it takes to do them.Yes, but they haven’t been trained to do it properly

I just so much love this. Everytime I read this, I realize how true every word of this is and not to be forgotten that this is the original writing of my colleagues and not a general forward. Actually its result of a brainstorming session of 4 drunk consultants in a cosmopolitan of India. I am too embarrased but I was one of them.


Prostitute or Consultant?


1. You work very odd hours.
2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
4. You spend a lot of time in a hotel room.
5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
6. You are not proud of what you do.
7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.
8. It's difficult to have a family.
9. You have no job satisfaction.
10. If a client beats you up, your pimp just sends you to another client.
11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.
13. Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions
you attend.)
14. Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left
hanging with only other "professionals."
15. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
16. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they
get for the money.
17. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
18. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to
ease the pain of it all.
19. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the
client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
20. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return
looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).
21. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.
22. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
23. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher
than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
24. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly
wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
25. Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, "I'm not going to be doing
this stuff the rest of my life."

Just a simple conversation
But I've memorized each line
The way you hold your head when you're smiling
Gets me every time

Though you take my breath away
There's one thing I have to say
I'll never love again

I tore up all the letters that you wrote me
I packed up all your things
But I can't stop myself from hoping
When the telephone rings

It's funny how I feel this way
And all that's left to say
I'll never love again
I'll never love again

If I had won the world
And angel wings unfurled
And came down by my side
I'd give it all away for just a single day
That I could use to change your mind

So when I see you next time
Please don't cause a fuss
Cause I still haven't told all my friends
About the two of us

All of this is yesterday
And all that there is left to say
I'll never love again
I'll never love again
I'll never love again
I will never love again

Well here goes the results of latest personality test done by my company on guinea pigs like me who are already overburdened with work. I would have loved to ignore this piece of bullshit but my company and my boss take all this damn seriously. So if you are really intrested in me than some jobless psychologist has made your job easier by just writing it down!! Enjoy reading and bow in respect for the greatest person who ever walked on this planet.
Thanks!!



You are a Leader
Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER.
You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical.
Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture.
You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts.
Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings.
Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures.
The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things.
Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership.
You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges.
You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face.
You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.
Never one to be found in chic boutiques or trendy clothing stores, you take an extremely practical approach to getting dressed.
If you want to be different:
There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things.
how you relate to others
You are Considerate
You trust others, care about them, and are slow to judge them, making you CONSIDERATE.
You value your close relationships very much, and are more likely to spend time in small, tightly-knit groups of friends than in large crowds.
You enjoy exploring the world through observation, quietly watching others.
Relating to others so well, and understanding their emotions, leads you to trust people in general, even though you're somewhat shy and reserved at times.
Your belief that people are generally well-intentioned contributes to your sympathy regarding their problems.
Although you may not vocalize it often, you have an awareness of how society affects individuals, and you understand complex causes of people's behavior.
You like to look at all sides of a situation before making a judgment, particularly when that situation involves important things in other people's lives.
Your close friends know you as a good listener.
If you want to be different:
Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

Oh well its after a while that I thought about writing something. Something that’s on strategy but of different type. Today I want to pen down my thoughts on marriageable guys and girls….!!!
Well right from the ancient ages both male and female fraternities can be classified into good ones and bad ones…simple enough?? Let me elaborate a bit on good or eligible guys. These are the guys who are socially more adept, are well employed and are well educated. Now about not so good guys……they are typically underemployed, socially gauche and may be ugly looking. (Disclaimer: Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder)
Same is true for gals. Eligible gals are pretty, friendly natured and well educated and just another extreme for ineligible gals. Lets not pour too deep into definition of good and bad which may change according to individual tastes and preferences and vary hugely according to societies.
So my point now is that its obvious that good guys should get good gals. Game theory also suggests that provided no barriers or shields in the process good guys should get good gals. But does that really happen??
I feel otherwise. If a guy or a girl is good they know it. Don’t they?? Armed with this knowledge comes an attitude that I am good and I will be approached.
Now if we see the whole marital or proposal story it begins with a guy approaching a girl (usually) and asking ‘Will you marry me???’ Its never two people sitting and deciding “Lets marry”. Now a good girl basking in the glory of feel good attitude waits for this initiative from guys. Now the guys who usually grab this opportunity are the ones who are aggressive and not necessarily good. Chances are that he will not be good if he is really aggressive because his conditioning tells him that he will be approached if he is good.
So good girls get guys who are aggressive and not be good ones necessarily. And what happens to good guys?? Well they get gals who are decisive and may not be good ones again. These girls carry a head on their shoulders and are resolute about what they want.

So this is the analysis of the story, so if you feel your spouse is not good, I have a feel good thought for you, Its just that you are too good!!!